The last couple days have been hard. Harder than my typical day has felt like in at least a good solid week. The only thing I feel it really comes back to is seeing so much and hearing so much about depression as a result of Robin Williams' suicide. I feel sick when I have the thought creep into my mind that "that could have been me" if I hadn't sought the right help.
You see, I am struggling with depression and anxiety. And it sucks. But I'm coming to realize it's a part of who I am, and who I always will be.
I have had a hard time accepting that my struggles mentally and emotionally could be as difficult as say, my best friend who lost her baby. Or my long time friend from first grade who suffers from Crohn's Disease. Or the poor girl whose family was murdered in Texas.
It's easy, oh so easy, to write off my own struggles when compared to those of others. But it doesn't make mine any easier long term to just ignore them, or say that I don't have it "as bad" as someone else.
Comparison really is the death of all positive thought.
Even now, I find myself wondering if I'm only writing this because I've read so many posts of friends and acquaintances who have shared their stories about depression. But I have to remind myself that I'm writing both for me, and for anyone else I know who has or does feel the way I have felt. You are NOT alone!
Ever since my senior year in high school, I've had the hardest time getting out of the dark holes I find myself tripping into throughout life. Whether they are related to my relationships with other people, or ones that crop up due to life experiences such as graduation, starting college, being a student teacher, being pregnant, becoming a mother; these holes, even pits at times, are exhaustive to climb out of.
During all of these times, as well as presently, I can identify sometime or another that I felt dreadfully depressed and critical of myself. It's during those times that any and all insecurities I have about myself creep back into my thoughts. Those thoughts have at times been so destructive and negative that I could barely make myself get out of bed, let alone accomplish anything in my day. "Thinking positively" was essentially impossible, exercise was exhausting, and I couldn't seem to focus on anything. (And I STILL feel this way sometimes by the way).
Physically, anything that could be hurting--my wrists, my lower back, my neck--it all hurts worse during the times I feel more down.
At times, I would/have felt like I was going insane, because it felt like my thoughts were out of control: and they were just there--I didn't have to let myself dwell on them for more to just hedge in and build some kind of wall for me to climb to get to the other side. My reality in dealing with depression and anxiety has been that those thoughts are almost always there, even on the good days.
During Primary we talked about how telling lies constantly allows the little "lie monster" to follow you around. In much the same way, I have a little (and sometimes gigantic) depression monster who just won't leave me alone. Sometimes, like a bug, he's easy to kick aside, and even squash. Others, he is persistent and looming and nasty.
Satan works so hard to get us down and keep us there. And for so many of us out there, he uses our own minds to turn us against ourselves. I feel so guilty for comparing myself to others, and so overwhelmed with all the things I want to do day to day. I sit at home with Joshua some mornings and just feel empty. Sure I'm smiling and trying to be happy about being a mother, because somewhere I KNOW deep down I DO love being a mother. But the reality is that sometimes I don't FEEL like a great mother, or a loving and affectionate wife, or caring friend.
The way I feel is disturbing to me: the hardest part of this is feeling able to connect emotionally with others. I can honestly say I don't think I actually cried from near the time Joshua was born (maybe about 2 months afterwards) until May 31 of this year. Now, I still have a hard time feeling like my emotions can surface, but most of the time on bad days, I just feel empty, nothing, and downright bad about myself.
And yet, as difficult as motherhood has been, I'm grateful EVERY DAY for the tiny, smiling, giggling baby boy I've been privileged to nurture for almost a whole year so far, because without him, I don't know if I could get up in the morning on some days.
I'm grateful for an incredibly loving and compassionate husband who has supported me throughout all of this and continues to do so every day in the small and large things we endure together.
I'm grateful for the wonderful and supportive mother I have, who lets me talk through some of my destructive trains of thought with her.
I'm grateful for friends who I can talk to and who encourage me to go and DO things with them--girls nights, play dates, etc.
I'm grateful for a counselor who has so many helpful tips, and who encourages my husband to keep coming with me to our sessions.
I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has placed so many people in my life to aid me, near and far; for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which is for so much more than the repentance of our sins.
I'm grateful for the courage I was able to find to seek help (spiritually, psychologically, and physically) before my depression got too severe.
And I'm grateful for my depression, because it's MINE and completely and utterly unique to me, and I know that Heavenly Father wouldn't have given me this trial in my life without blessing me with the tools with which to over come it.
I AM ENOUGH.
This is written on my mirror, so I can see it every day. I hope in reading it daily, I'll start to feel so more frequently.
So don't be afraid to reach out, and to share your struggles with the world, to ask for help when you need it, or better yet, ask before--because mental illness is REAL and it is HARD.
But I am ENOUGH.
Here are a few wonderful talks that have uplifted me:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=engv
Note to any new moms, or mom's to be: Post partum depression doesn't just occur within a few months of your baby's birth--it's a good year of time that those chemical and hormonal imbalances can impact your life. For me, it comes in waves, sometimes days, sometimes weeks; and as a wise friend told me--the amount of time it takes to reach a low in your life is at least the amount of time it will take to come out of it. There is not a quick fix for depression. It's something I'll likely fight every baby, and every day of my life: but I CAN get stronger and learn how to combat it.
