Accepting Grace; Reflections on Easter Sunday

Today was Easter Sunday, and I need to be completely honest that it did NOT go the way I had planned in my head. (What usually does right?)

During the midnight feeding of my now 8 week old little girl, I was reading scriptures on my phone. It seemed fitting that I was reading from Mosiah Chapter 3 of the Book of Mormon. 

As I sat there, quietly reflecting on the Savior's life and death, it was all too obvious that it was literally BECAUSE OF HIM that I am a mother, that I have 2 beautiful children, and a husband--all of whom I can be with forever. They are MINE, but they are HIS first.

The night was a good one as nights with a newborn can tend to go. Waking up even felt joyous.

And then suddenly Satan/shame/uncertainty (you name it) struck. 

I was in the midst of getting ready. Staring myself in the mirror, trying desperately to LOVE my body, not despise it, because it is a gift and it is beautiful and has brought me 2 perfect children. I recently got my hair cut and today was the first day I had washed it, so styling it was rather difficult for me. (I chopped about 9 inches...it's a big change!)

So in the midst of this time that I was feeling vulnerable about my appearance, and guilty for feeling that I "had" to be ready for church on time, my sweet little baby started crying. She'd had a wonderful night, but it appeared that this morning was going to be a fussy one. 

My immediate thoughts were things like, "great, now I can't get ready." and "why can't she just stay asleep?" and "what did her dad do wrong in putting her down that made her wake up?" 

My grumpy spiral continued through the morning. I ended up throwing in the towel, turning some music about the Savior on full blast as I finished trying to do my hair and not hate my appearance while my loving husband tended both children. (I thank my Heavenly Father every day for him cuz he's seriously my saving grace in these moments). 

Unfortunately, I also spent a lot of the time I finished getting ready oscillating back and forth between feeling guilty that I was getting ready instead of breastfeeding my baby, and feeling like I wasn't a good enough mom because she hadn't nursed well. Deep down, I even admitted to myself that I was likely not able to comfort her because I wasn't able to comfort myself and stop feeling so uptight and stressed.

Babies are extremely sensitive, and so despite all my deep breaths, my underlying feelings of doubting myself and my worth overall were still so prevalent, that I'm sure my little babe didn't know how she could turn to me for help when I was so desperate for help myself. 

Motherhood is hard. 

But as I've reflected on today, and tried to list over and over all the things I'm so grateful and indebted to my Heavenly Father and my Savior for, I have been reminded just HOW much my Savior loves me. 

Late last night I was also reading a talk by President Uchtdorf and was reflecting on this and another talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland.  The video linked above is primarily what my thoughts are on tonight. 

About 3 years ago, I was (and still am) struggling a LOT with the concept of accepting grace. It felt that the mistakes I had made in life up to that point, big and small, were too great for even the Savior's grace to be ENOUGH, because I didn't feel like I WAS enough. 

It's an ironic concept, the idea that we shun the Savior's sacrifice for us because we feel we don't deserve it. It's exactly what Satan wants us to do--whether our sin is great or we simply feel inadequate in our position as a mother as I so frequently do. 

But "one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly ALONE, we DO NOT HAVE TO DO SO." (Elder Holland). 

It's easy for me, for all of us I believe, to feel that our mistakes are just too big, too terrible for the Savior to possibly know A) how we're feeling in our despairing shame and B) for His Grace to be sufficient for "all men" and accepting that idea that "all" really DOES mean all. 

All men. All women. All moms. All dads. All brothers and sisters. All children. All bullies. All victims. All of us. 

When I make mistakes, have those terrifying "mom moments" where I yell at my children, or want to scream in frustration; or have to set my baby down and walk away from the room because I just can't take their cute crying face anymore, often I am instantly weighed down in those moments with shame for ALL my past mistakes in life to this point. 

When I first recognized that I was struggling with depression as a new mom, I literally felt like I was suffocating. Drowning in the depths of shame for every possible flaw and mistake I had made because I was feeling inadequate in SO many ways as a mother. 

I wasn't fully experiencing JOY in life because I was so busy anticipating what depressing, horrible, or tragic thing "could" happen that would dull that happiness. It was and is something I still struggle with, and I feel like it comes back to accepting the Grace of the Savior's atonement in our lives. 

Recognizing that His sacrifice IS enough--enough for me, enough for you, enough for ALL of us. 

Because of Him, we can have JOY. "Men are that they might have JOY."  2 Nephi 2:27. 

But I've found that accepting Grace is understood in these images. 

Our Savior stands knocking at the door. His Grace beckons to each of us, and He will always be there--knocking at our door, or walking our paths alongside us, just waiting for us to open the door and let Him in; to turn to Him and allow Him to take our burdens and bear us up. 

Motherhood IS one of those burdens. It's a joyous, difficult, stressful, taxing, emotional, exciting, and spiritual experience. Becoming a mother is one of the ultimate purposes of my life and I know with every fiber of my being that Satan does NOT want me to succeed. He'd be plenty happy with my family ending up as a broken and damaged fragment of the eternal potential we have together. He WANTS us to fail and so he targets our most vulnerable feelings about ourselves. 

He doesn't want us to accept Grace, as mothers, or as any person in any circumstance. He wants us to be "miserable like unto himself," and you know what? He's pretty darn good at that miserable part. 

But I know the ending to the battle between good and evil, and I know it doesn't end with Satan coming out on top. I have an eternal purpose, as a woman, and as a mother here on Earth. I can accept the grace of my Savior's atonement, and allow him to literally make my burdens light. Because of Him, I am me and am becoming my very best self. 

I'm so grateful for this knowledge and I pray that some of these thoughts have touched you this Easter season!